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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Glory in your "Gift from God;" name the child after your attacker.

This is an attempt at the bleakest, blackest and most caustic form of snark. If you're triggered to extreme negativity by issues surrounding sexual assault, this might not be the best piece for you to read.
I'm Dick Adcock*. I'm running for the U.S. Senate because I approve this message. . . .

Lady-Americans:

So you've been raped and impregnated in a sexual assault, and maybe you're feeling a little bit down in the dumps. Sure the rape itself was the most viscerally invasive and violent experience you've ever had. And sure, the zygote the embryo the fetus the child the full-fledged American citizen (with more rights than you should ever hope to have) now growing within you is one that you didn't want, you didn't plan for, and probably can't afford. I mean sure, now you'll be stuck for the next 20-25 years both bearing and then raising a child generated from a violent assault. It might be a slight change of plans for you, but honestly, what could go wrong in a parent-child relationship that began with rape?

Now hon, I'm certain you're not even considering an abortion, because I told you that abortion is wrong. Also, my party closed the state's only abortion-provider. Since being a good mother is what all women must do, you're out of options besides both having and rearing this child, trust me. You've just had your entire life plan violently ripped away from you in the most brutal type of invasive assault. So it's understandable that it may seem like life is giving you a little bit of a frowny-face these days.

But Lady Americans, you can turn that frown upside-down!

After all, my good friend and colleague Richard Mourdock from the Hoosier State said that :

. . . life is that gift from God and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape that it is something God intended to happen.

Sugar-pie, it may seem like things are bad right now, but you just trust a couple of ol' Dicks like me and Mr. Mourdock on matters like this! :-) We know our legitimate rape from our forcible rape from when you were just askin' for it, okay?

You see sweetheart, like Dick said, the precious seed of your Attacker-American is a GIFT FROM GOD. That's right, the Good Lord himself personally oversaw that spume of seed as it came from the Holy Place of your attacker, to the holey place in your body. It might not have seemed very gracious, or very "gift-like" when you were brutally assaulted, but trust me, it was a Gift straight from the Immortal-American Himself. I know I know, the wrapping on the gift might have been a little "off" with all the raping etc. . . . but you don't turn down a precious present FROM THE LORD, just because there was a teensy bit of sexual assault involved! It's the gift that matters here, not the raping wrapping. Hey the Lord works in mysterious ways, okay hon?

Okay.

So now, the next logical questions are: "How do I celebrate this wonderful, rape-given Gift from God? What is the best way to glory in the wonderful present with which the Omnipresent has presented me?

Toostie, have I got the answer for you. Nothing will help you celebrate that sacred moment when your attacker impregnated you, like naming the child after its attacker. What greater way to honor the tremendous joy this rape the attack's consequences have brought upon you! It's quite likely that this is easily done, since an overwhelming majority of rape victims know their attackers! If the man who attacked you is a Harold, you can call the child Harry or Harold. If Harold's Holy Seed produces a girl, you can call it Haroldine or some such derivative. (I like spelling it like the more traditional Geraldine, but using the Mexican "silent-G" . . . or perhaps Jeraldine.)

At any rate, GLORY TO GOD! IT'S GERALDINE!

Most male names have some kind of female derivative, for as we know women are always derived from men. This won't be difficult at all! And what better way to thank the good Lord for the precious gift that he bestowed upon you, through his tool, your attacker? . . . who is a bad man who should be stopped . . . . unless you were asking for it . . . in which case it was just boys bein' boys.

Now if you didn't know your attacker, you may have to think more creatively, but honestly, I STILL don't think there's any better way to celebrate your wonderful present-from-God than naming the child after your attacker. Maybe your Precious Seed-planter had dirty brown hair - call the baby Sandy - that could go for boys OR girls! Maybe His Holy Will-enactor, your Attacker-American, had red hair. Why if it's a girl, you can name her Scarlett. And if it's a boy, just call him Red. Who doesn't love a guy named Red?

If you don't know your attacker's name, and the hair color thing won't work, maybe you can recall that your attacker wore Air Jordans. Name the child Mike, or Michelle if it's a girl! Maybe you were attacked in a dorm room - name the child after the dormatory, or the street it was on! Look there's LOTS of ways to appropriately glory in the wonderful gift the Lord gave you, in the form of being raped and impregnated. The important thing is that you CELEBRATE THAT SACRED MOMENT by naming the child in a way that will forever remind you of that precious gift, and the moment it was given to you. And by the way if you can't remember anything about the attack, you were definitely asking for it.

I'm Dick Adcock, and I approve this message, because nothing goes and tells it on the mountain like glorying in the Lord's precious gift of being raped and impregnated

* The picture above is NOT of the fictional "Dick Adcock," but of the very real asshole Mark Kennedy, who will in a couple of weeks be trounced by Amy Klobuchar in the state of Minnesota, for a Senate seat, because Minnesota is a state where the words empathy and progress still have meaning in their elections.

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